Happy Birthday

I want to say happy birthday to you.  I guess it's kind of a funny thing to say at this point, but I'm happy and thankful it's your birthday,  simply because I needed a reminder of you today.  I had a particularly hard blow dealt to me this morning. Normally, it would've been a minor hiccup to get past,  but given all the anxiety I'm already burdened with,  I didn't know what to do.  Then I saw a picture of you,  and it reminded me that some how, some way it's going to be "okay."

The more I think about us, the more similar I think we are. Part of that was your influence on me over the years. You helped shape me into the man I am today, be it for better or worse. 

You made me believe that there is a beautiful side of this world if you are accepting to it. You taught me to love people,  despite their differences and flaws.  You made me feel like there was a place in this world for someone like me. That is an amazing thing about you that people often overlook.  You saw beauty in people that others often don't appreciate.  You could empathize with any honest soul.  I know it's a blessing and a curse at the same time. 

I've felt the same shame you had when you were a child. It still eats at me to this day, knowing I didn't fit into the status quo. I didn't know when you came into my life just how polarizing and influential you would be. I was just a kid full of teenage angst, and you were also searching for that family you had always wanted.

I believed in the beauty that you spoke of.  I believe I did a fairly good job, at becoming someone accepting, someone who realizes we all have our struggles. But sometimes being the nice guy is overwhelming. Which is why i understand not being able to fake it anymore. I've lost faith in just about everything.  The same way you did, for many of the same reasons.  I don't want to believe you wrote that letter. But trust me,  I understand it. I guess it takes a narcissist to know one. "I must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone" too. 

I don't want you to be gone,  I wish I could go back in time to "worship at your feet." I wish there was another way you could have told me what to do from here.   I will always cherish your sacrifice. Because, it's a price I know not to pay.

You'll always have me wondering what if. What if you were still here,  how different would I be? I always wondered what if, for a long time I didn't even believe you were gone.   I guess in certain situations it is better to burn out then to slowly fade away. But that's not what I have in store.

Happy Birthday. 

Valentine's Day Thoughts

Iiculous. I know I would never physically harm a woman, ever. But I lost the benefit of doubt because of the immature ways I acted.


I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life. Usually in response to an emotion I didn't understand how to control. I never thought of the consequences, which is why my actions can be labeled as shit. Just down right stupidity on my part. I wanted to fight for what was mine. I wanted the outside world to stop having such a heavy influence on a relationship that was once described as being closer than any two other people we knew. I misused and misplaced my anger. I'm a better man than that, I didn't know how to not panic.


I'm not angry anymore. I'm ashamed, hurt and scared. But I'm not angry. After losing several friends, family members and the woman i still love, I'm able to empathize again. I've had my head up my own ass for too long, I couldn't see how hypocritical it was of me to be mad at her for the same behavior. I couldn't see how my actions hurt the people in my life that I love. I see it now that I've destroyed so many relationships. And I'm sorry. I don't know how to atone for the things I've done.


I miss my wife everyday.  People tell me to move on, stop living in the past and that she has changed.  That the problems we have are insurmountable.


I don't believe it.  I believe those thoughts are a product of our divorce culture. I don't understand why it is acceptable to give in that way. I hold my wedding vowels very sacred.  I feel it's easier to give up on my marriage, than it is to forgive her. But I do. I forgive her for the things she has done that have hurt me.  I don't believe my wife is a malicious person.  After nine years of intimacy,  I understand her more than I understand myself.  I worry about her daily.


Nothing has ever meant as much to me,  as the love I shared with my wife.  The way our bodies fit together,  her skin on mine,  the smell of her dark hair.  The goals and dreams we had together.  Every accomplishment we shared. Every memory of times we spent together.  The places we've been,  the homes we lived in and the power of love in her heart.


I get stronger every day. I'm learning that my emotions are controlled by myself.  The actions of others influence those emotions on a greater scale than what I do for myself.  But it's how I handle my emotions that matter.


That's all I can do for my wife this Valentine's Day.  Is simply work to make myself a better man.  It's the one thing she needed from me the most.  To grow up and act like a man. To measure the consequences for my behavior before making mistakes.  To take better care of myself.